Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Light and Shadow

This morning on my walk I find myself irritated after a long night of restlessness. It's early, barely light, and a guy on a scooter on Two Rod seems to be making an unreasonable amount of noise. People are still trying to sleep, I mutter inwardly.

Also it's chilly. Sixty degrees. I threw on a light sweatshirt, but I'm annoyed that I didn't put a layer underneath.

Truth be told, several of my close friends are dealing with some serious life issues right now. Stuff happening that causes one to succumb to fear and worry. If I had to face these things, I think, I don't know if I could handle it.

And I notice how uncomfortable I am with my uncertainty. All I can do is listen. I can love them and be available when needed. But it seems feeble in the face of life-altering circumstances that are seemingly everywhere right now.

I notice how uncomfortable I am with the knot of fear lodged in my third chakra, center of personal power. How distressed I am at my inability to calm the thoughts chasing themselves around in my head all night long. This sinking feeling of powerlessnes. I try to allow it, to sit with it -- what else can I do at four o'clock in the morning? After a (long) while, daylight is seeping through the blinds. With a sigh, I'm up and looking for my sneakers.

At the pond I find two herons. One is on my left, over in the shadows. Perched on a fallen limb, all scrunched up, looking annoyed. I used to wonder if this bird was even a heron because, with it's shoulders pulled up like that, it's signature long and graceful neck disappears. I have a theory that they assume this position when they're on guard, vigilant. They look like they're not taking any shit from anyone today, so think twice before you get too close.

Over on the right, standing among the sunlit lilly pads is another heron, standing tall in her full glory. At ease. Nothing is bothering her. She looks this way and that.

I shake my head and summon a wry smile at this reflection of my psyche today. Troubled and restless, but wanting to be at ease. Tense, armored against that invading sense of futility and, even worse, the accompanying self-judgment. We are trained to be like that heron basking in the sun -- not to trouble anyone with our troubles. But guess what? Life is not always sunhine and lilly pads. It's ok to glower.

Today I give myself permission to glower!

No comments :

Post a Comment

Please Leave a Comment: