Sunday, November 4, 2012

Moon in the Morning

Last night we set the clocks back, so tonight, or rather this afternoon, dark will come early.

I find myself resisting it.  And lots of other stuff too. 

I have a troubling, ongoing dynamic in my immediate circle.  Trying to be discreet here, honoring privacy and so on -- but also trying to be honest with myself.

So on my walk this morning, my intention is to let go of resistance to a certain person.  To let it drain into the Earth with every footfall. 

I make my way around to the dock.  Because the sky is a brilliant azure, the water  is sky blue and  inky navy.  The light breezes are at cross currents today. Further out, the wavelets are blowing northward, while closer in they're leaning south.

I sit cross-legged on the wooden slats, my back to the sun.  A disseminating, three-quarter moon floats high in the sky this morning, about 9 am.  It looks like a crystal satellite.  Even though I can only see three quarters of it, in truth, it exists whole, complete, round and full.  The rest is hidden from my perception by the shadow of the earth.

So, in keeping with another truth, as above, so below, I  close  my eyes and look within, at my resistance.  I know that what I have so much trouble accepting in another person is the very stuff I'm likely hiding in my own shadow. 

What are these traits  that I can't seem to abide in another?  Neediness. A need to control.  An expectation that when she has a need, everyone will drop everything and trip over themselves to meet that need.  When this doesn't happen, the need becomes a demand and then things really get ugly.

Hoo-boy!  This is the fun part! 

Breathing ... letting my resistance drain into the Earth.  The Great Mother accepts it with grace and compassion:  it's fuel for transformation.

So, I ask myself, am I needy?

Answer:  of course!  But do I show it?  No. 

My neediness is tucked away in my shadow, where it won't inconvenience anyone.  I cover it up with a persona of self-sufficiency. I'm low maintenance, don't worry about me, I'm fine

Sometimes this is true, but sometimes it's bullsh*t.

Moving on to control.  Do I like a sense of control? 

Who doesn't? 

When things are beyond my control I get anxious. 

I'm learning to surrender to what is.  I'm flexing trust like a  muscle; it  strengthens the more I rely on it. 

But can I always go with the flow, not knowing what's out there?  Nope.  I prefer a guarantee before proceeding with anything risky or whose outcome is unknown.  But where can you find a guarantee like that?  It doesn't exist!

So yeah, let's concede control is an issue. 

Do I have everyone running around meeting my needs?  Hmmm, this one's not so obvious.  The sun is bathing my back, melting my resistance.  I let it go with every breath.  The waves gently slap the stony shore. A leaf-blower drones in the distance.  Three snow-white swans sail across the lake, leaning into the wind like the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria on their way to a new world. 

And I see that yes, it's possible other people are getting tired of meeting my needs.   In some ways, I'm high-maintenance, having set exacting standards not just for myself but others too. 


Moment of humility.  Tears fill my eyes.  And I hear those words again:  fuel for transformation.  Self-awareness is fuel for transformation.

It feels like this person who has exasperated me for so long has been holding up one of those mirrors you see at the carnival -- your body might be short and squat but your head is three feet tall and pinched.  She's reflecting a distortion.  It's me, wearing a mask of self-sufficiency, an image of placidly going about my business like a Zen master, when in truth, I have legit needs and a desire to wrap my mind around things that are messy and complicated.

The world is still spinning on it's axis while I admit these things that I have judged as flaws and banished into my shadow. By accepting them instead, I release their power to haunt and taunt me.  They just are, without the negative charge.

In this way I am like the moon in the morning.  Part of me is hidden in shadow, but in truth I'm whole, complete, round and full.  I reflect divine light and it contains All. 

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